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The best night of his or her life…

The best night of his or her life…


It is the middle of February, spring is just around the corner and Cupid has plenty of tension in his bow…which can only mean one thing – Valentine’s Day is here, and it is not too late for you to cram in some last-minute sexual homework.

Some of us are givers, and some of us are takers. So, in the name of equality, and whichever position you find yourself in we thought we would give you TEN exercises that may well come in handy.

Pun firmly intended. Other destinations are available, and highly recommended.

In no particular order, practise these in the morning and then blow your loved one’s socks off at bedtime!!!

Plank Saw

Start off in a normal plank position but instead of your elbows being directly beneath your shoulders start off with them 6-8 inches in front. Now, keep your body in a solid position but push yourself forwards so that your shoulders finish in front of your elbows, moving right up on to your tip toes, and then back. Like a saw…hence the name.

If we need to show you what 6-8 inches looks like then you have other problems to deal with…

Hip Thrust

Sit with your back against a solid surface that is no higher than your shoulder blades. Pull your heels up to your backside, squeeze your bum cheeks tight – as if you are trying to keep someone out, tilt your head back and look at the ceiling, then drive your hips up towards the ceiling.

Nail this with your own bodyweight first. Then build up to using someone else’s bodyweight as quickly as possible.

Kettlebell Swings

Keep your knee bend to a minimum, and your hip hinge to a maximum. Back stays flat, shoulders are pulled back and as soon as the kettlebell reaches the bottom point of the swing drive your hips forwards as aggressively as possible. Grunt if you need to. The more aggressive the better.

Isometric Bicep Curl

Grab a large bath towel. Roll it up and stand in the middle of it. Grab each end of the towel and you should be able to stand with your fist level with your elbow. Now squeeze the towel and try to pull it up towards the ceiling. There will be no movement, but you will develop an isometric endurance within your hands, forearms and biceps that will make you very popular.

If your towel isn’t long enough then don’t panic. Simply adjust your feet so that one end is long enough to get to elbow height and use one hand at a time. Sometimes that works better than using both at the same time…

Full Depth Squats

Right, don’t make us draw pictures to explain why, but there is a high probability that being able to squat down really deep is going to enhance sections of your performance. If your hips and ankles have the mobility of a broomstick then start by holding on to something solid – no, not that, maybe a door frame? Hold on tight and lower your bum down towards the floor, gradually increasing the depth and reducing the amount you need to hold on.

Downward Dog

Start in a push up position, with your hands directly beneath your shoulders and a nice straight line from your head to your heels. Tuck your chin towards your chest, keep your elbows and knees locked, and push your bum up towards the ceiling. If successful you will create an inverted V position.

We think the V stands for vulnerable…

Upward facing Dog

For this one you will need to start in the top position of a push up. Then you are going to keep your elbows locked and allow your hips to sink down towards the floor whilst tilting your head as far back as you can. Imagine someone is pushing their knee into your back and pulling your hair.

For some of us that will be easier to imagine than others…

Child’s Pose

Kneel on all fours with your knees directly beneath your hips and your hands directly beneath your shoulders. Then push your hips back towards the wall, and down towards your heels, keeping your forehead as close to the floor as you can get it.

This one is worth some practise just to make sure you are flexible enough. Hold this position until your partner gets bored, which could be a while.

Fartlek Intervals

Fartlek training derives from Sweden, which automatically means it is sexy and very useful around the house. The word fartlek means ‘speed play’ and is used to help endurance athletes to go faster, and harder, for longer. A runner will vary from shorter, faster and more explosive sprints to longer, slower and steadier periods of jogging.

The duration of each section will often vary, but the theory is that this method of training will help them to perform better. Ahhhhh, now it all makes sense…

Well, there you have it. Ten exercises (or maybe we should call them sexercises) to prepare you and your partner for the night of your lives.

With any luck your neighbours will be moaning about all the noise and you can direct them to us with their complaints.



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